The Chasm

Months have passed since the storm; a time in my life where the very winds that now bring me warmth, brought hailstones that pummeled my bare skin.

After all that has happened, I am left with a sense of calm that feels surreal, eerie. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace. But like many of us who know what it feels like to lose such peace, a feeling of unease underlies the external reflection. My skin is still buzzing despite how the pummeling ceased a long time ago, but I am finally alone with my thoughts once more.

Sometimes my life appears to be so filled with drama, I have to wonder if on a subconscious level I seek out such extreme highs and lows. I think a part of me would feel better with the lie that I wanted this life than to face the truth that sometimes I feel so utterly out of control of where I am going, it terrifies me.

As the reverberations from the past few months pulse through my body, I feel in my heart that I must let go of all my expectations of how I thought my life would go.

The heartbreak, and betrayal… it carves a deep chasm within my soul. Light cannot reach the bottom of this chasm, as it carves deep through the very core of my being.

All loss is heartbreak. All betrayal is loss.

The loss of a friend, and trust broken... Both feel like a death of sorts. There is a reason why heartbreak feels like ripping in two. Any time there is heartbreak it occurs because what we wanted to happen does not match up with what happened in reality.

A divide of sorts takes place within us.

Even though I know that on one level nothing is ever truly lost, from my temporal perspective all I can see is the chasm that carves a rift between where I am now, and where I want to be.

If I am going to keep walking the direction I was before, I must find a way to cross the canyon.

I stand at the edge of this ravine, that is as deep as it is wide. How am I to cross it? How am I to reach the other side?

After all, I was meant to reach the other side, so I may continue to walk where I was before all this happened… right?

Yet no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find a way to jump the chasm that was formed. I don’t have the tools or time to build a bridge for the gap, and even with the help of a few friends, going back to where I was heading when the chasm formed, seems less possible to accomplish the more time passes by.

Why did I want to go there in the first place? If I were to be there knowing what I know now, would it ever be the same as it was before? Could it ever be the same?

I let the realization sink in, as the warm wind gently swoons against my face.

Sometimes life changes us in ways that we couldn't forget even if we tried.

Soon, I see clearly. It’s time for me to walk in a new direction if I ever hope to move on.

And so, I turn, and I walk… until the chasm is behind me. I walk towards new horizons.