Rainbow: A message

My eyes are tired, stained with the exhaustion that comes with heartbreaking grief.

Today has been spent in mourning. I grieve for everything that could be, but is not.

Isn’t that what grief in and of itself is?

My soul nostalgically pines for a time when life was easier. When perhaps the people close to me were everything I needed them to be. A time where I felt I was in control.

I long for an idealized past that never existed but in illusion. And while it is arguable that because my past wasn’t what I thought it was, it never existed, my mind still pines in longing; cognitive dissonance.

The mind doesn’t know the difference between that which is imagined, and that which is actually happening. Because of this, a person whose past is remembered incorrectly has just as real of a hold on them as that which really happened to them. Our individual experience has just as much merit as reality itself because the reality we construct is the only reality we know.

Today I allowed myself to cry tears of grief of the life my family could have had, with my mom. The life if my dad had actually given a shit about hurting other people. How different could things really have been? My mind loves to tell stories of what could have been.

It’s amazing to think of how many lives would be changed for the better if we felt free to be who we are without being persecuted. Never underestimate the power of small acts of kindness, a hispanic lady spoke in Spanish at my church this week. How true that is.

I find it sad that there are fathers who feel they can leave entire families abandoned simply because that seems to be the societal expectation we have for fathers. I find it sad and scary that there are people who can bully other people to tears and feel no remorse. It perplexes me how many people perpetuate cycles of abuse because they are convinced that there is no other way to live.

I have read many books and articles on topics dealing with strained relationships, and I understand how the behaviors themselves, and how a lack of empathy, makes many toxic relationship dynamics possible… And yet still, I feel like there is only so much i can allow myself to understand before I start to get lost myself.

There comes a point, where the past must be left behind. There comes a point, where thinking about the past becomes just as much of a prison as an abusive present.

I feel today, as though I have survived a storm. My life, like when a storm ends, is left shimmering and more beautiful than it was before, even though it seemed the rain would never stop pummeling the surface. The landscape of my inner world is washed clean through the storm’s harsh torrents.

My soul, once thirsty, is quenched. And I am left to walk about the world anew.

Every storm leaves the world slightly different than before. Everything shines with a sort of gratitude, and the world itself bathes in a bluish hue, as the sun rolls in and birds celebrate with song.

It is no coincidence that a rainbow appears after the storm. In the inner landscape, the rainbow represents the self as an integrated whole; a self of all different colors of emotion. Once we have allowed ourselves to integrate every color of emotion, we have created a rainbow within ourselves, surviving storms not by becoming fractured but by instead becoming united in the process.

By heeding the call of the rainbow, we fully integrate all facets and colors that make us who we are as multidimensional beings.

From the reds of anger, to the oranges of desire, to the yellows of pure expression and meeting our needs, the greens of unconditional love and acceptance, to the blues of giving a voice to the silent, the purples that see things clearly, and the pinks which give rise to conscious action.

We identify with ourselves like snapshots of these colors and yet we are not any of these colors alone. We, as humans, are a rainbow of emotion; a kaleidoscope of divine human experience, thoughts, feelings.

Like all forms of grief, we must find a way to let the parts of ourselves afraid of expressing anger, afraid of desire, afraid of meeting our needs, afraid of trusting others, afraid of speaking our minds, afraid of taking a long hard look at our lives, afraid of moving towards love itself; we must find a way to create a safe space for these different selves to exist within us.

Ultimately, we must find a way to no longer be afraid of ourselves.

I understand the rainbow is a beautiful description of our purpose as fractured souls seeking to become whole again. If we are to carry on like the seasons themselves, if we are to survive the various storms that cause us to rethink ourselves, and recreate ourselves, we must become a rainbow unto ourselves.

Nobody creates in the exact same way; and nobody has a story like yours. We are all in a unique human experience, and your own story might very well be the key that unlocks the door of someone else’s prison.

It may seem like a small thing but truly uncovering yourself, daring to become, is both the biggest and smallest step you can take in the direction of your own growth.

And we are all destined for growth; it’s about time we stopped resisting our own growth. Growth is, after all, our destiny.