What does it mean to forgive?
Really, what is forgiveness?Does anyone really know?
In a world that’s fraught with conflict and war that never seems to get completely resolved, is it really fair to throw the word 'forgiveness' around as if it's some common understanding what forgiveness really is?
Let's be real now. If forgiveness made everything easier like I've heard so many people preach, I'd say it's not too far-fetched to wonder why the world is still such a hostile place to live in for many of us.
Maybe there are very few people who actually forgive at all... Or perhaps it is possible that we, as a society, have no idea what forgiveness actually looks like in practice.
There are some who swear by forgiveness, but on the other hand say that it’s okay to punish the offender even after they have supposedly forgiven them.
From this view, if a person still decides to punish another person as a result of the past (perhaps a past that the offender has even owned up to and apologized about) it still counts as forgiving them, despite the fact that it perpetuates cycles of abuse.
Others still insist on forgiving, but only if the offender apologizes for what they have done.
There are some who swear by forgiveness, but on the other hand say that it’s okay to punish the offender even after they have supposedly forgiven them.
From this view, if a person still decides to punish another person as a result of the past (perhaps a past that the offender has even owned up to and apologized about) it still counts as forgiving them, despite the fact that it perpetuates cycles of abuse.
Others still insist on forgiving, but only if the offender apologizes for what they have done.
Forgiveness itself quickly becomes a sort of tug-of-war between egos, setting the stage for controlling dynamics to take place.
But beyond this, millions of abuse victims will never hear an apology on behalf of their abuser, simply because a genuine apology requires at least some level of self-awareness on behalf of the offender. It's likely that if this self-awareness had existed in the first place, the abuse would not have taken place at all, as the offender would eventually recognize the inherent futility in trying to control another living being as a means to getting what they want.
Operating by the principal that one can only really forgive, or move on, when someone is sorry, is one that prevents millions from ever finding closure.
My absolute least favorite approach to forgiveness is the saying, “forgive and forget”.
But beyond this, millions of abuse victims will never hear an apology on behalf of their abuser, simply because a genuine apology requires at least some level of self-awareness on behalf of the offender. It's likely that if this self-awareness had existed in the first place, the abuse would not have taken place at all, as the offender would eventually recognize the inherent futility in trying to control another living being as a means to getting what they want.
Operating by the principal that one can only really forgive, or move on, when someone is sorry, is one that prevents millions from ever finding closure.
My absolute least favorite approach to forgiveness is the saying, “forgive and forget”.
"Forgive and forget", to me, sounds more like “forgive and dissociate."
Hundreds of people who happen to live with an abuser subconsciously live by this, their brains helpfully 'glazing over' whenever another episode of abuse occurs as a protection mechanism. These people feel powerless to changing their own situation and instead hold onto the hope that their abuser will change despite mounting evidence that their abuser is going to continue hurting them.
Sure, this is an approach that works short term. But I have witnessed hundreds of times that glazing over, crossing out, and erasing history can prevent people from recognizing patterns of behavior, leaving many stuck in a loop of abuse, apologize, repeat.
Bottom line...
Forgiveness is a complex issue.
Does forgiveness mean keeping toxic people and behaviors in your life?
Does it mean staying in a bad situation that hasn’t changed in the past and likely won’t change anytime soon?
Is forgiveness a verb at all, one that requires action on our part?
I want to believe forgiveness is more than a word people say—“I forgive them” to climb up on some moral high horse to seem better than the mere mortals who dare feel grief, anger, even hatred, at how easily some people can hurt others without any remorse.
Forgiveness is a huge thing to ask, quite frankly.
I am here to shed light on the fact that it can be more damaging to try and forgive before you are ready than to stop trying to forgive at all. I know it sounds backwards, but just bear with me here!
The paradox is impossible to ignore.
I have heard hundreds of stories about those who have forgiven murderers, rapists, thieves, and bullies alike. I recall a particularly compelling tale of an amish family that forgave the family of a man who shot and killed their child, and eventually himself, both families becoming close friends later on. The story made news, being held up as a sort of ‘holy grail’ of what forgiveness really can be.
But instead of inspiring forgiveness, such stories further widen the gap between where most of us want to be in regards to forgiveness, and where we actually are (often resentful, hurt, and not ready to forgive). We begin to feel shame for not forgiving.
Many people can see that sort of story and think, "There must be something wrong with me, for not being able to forgive someone who didn't do something near as bad to me."
Interestingly enough, when I began to speak out about my own father’s abuse, I was amazed at the number of people who told me to do just that: Forgive!
Yes, forgive my abuser.
The most confusing ones would then try to sell me on the idea: “You’ll be happier because of it! You’ll feel so much better when you forgive!” Almost as a way to appeal to someone who must ultimately be super selfish for not being there quite yet.
Forgiveness: farm fresh and local!
But at the end of the day, selling people on the idea of forgiveness is still failing to acknowledge that for many of us, the concept of even happiness or love remains elusive and intangible; a sort of ideal we strive for but realistically decide to lower our standards for at some point in our lives.
I lay awake at night plagued by questions, wondering what the hell were people's expectations of forgiveness.
Did they expect me to stop opening up once I'd forgiven, because it would be 'in the past'?
Did they expect me to just go back to my abuser despite the fact that I'd done so for five years and he hadn't changed?
Was I doomed if I couldn't forgive?
Regardless of whether or not we actually have an understanding of forgiveness, most people seem to have it drilled in their heads that if you’re feeling angry, upset, or have unresolved feelings about something, you MUST forgive.
Because, you know, forgiveness gets rid of those uncomfortable feelings. Presto! For just 5 easy payments of $19.99... So call now at 1-800-FORGIVE!
See, forgiveness in and of itself can be a form of escapism. We can tell ourselves we forgive, feel that temporary ego boost we get from feeling "good" or even "better than" people who aren't in this 'enlightened' space of forgiveness, before it wears off and we find ourselves living the same patterns over and over again.
And this is why the worst thing possible for many who escape an abusive situation is to tell them to "forgive them" already (hurry up, we're tired of hearing you be sad about something that happened ____ ago) .
Most people who are abused are actually in the habit of chronically forgiving (the sort of egoic forgiveness like I'm talking about throughout this article, but forgiveness nonetheless), and it has not been changing their situation.
But instead of inspiring forgiveness, such stories further widen the gap between where most of us want to be in regards to forgiveness, and where we actually are (often resentful, hurt, and not ready to forgive). We begin to feel shame for not forgiving.
Many people can see that sort of story and think, "There must be something wrong with me, for not being able to forgive someone who didn't do something near as bad to me."
Interestingly enough, when I began to speak out about my own father’s abuse, I was amazed at the number of people who told me to do just that: Forgive!
Yes, forgive my abuser.
The most confusing ones would then try to sell me on the idea: “You’ll be happier because of it! You’ll feel so much better when you forgive!” Almost as a way to appeal to someone who must ultimately be super selfish for not being there quite yet.
Forgiveness: farm fresh and local!
But at the end of the day, selling people on the idea of forgiveness is still failing to acknowledge that for many of us, the concept of even happiness or love remains elusive and intangible; a sort of ideal we strive for but realistically decide to lower our standards for at some point in our lives.
I lay awake at night plagued by questions, wondering what the hell were people's expectations of forgiveness.
Did they expect me to stop opening up once I'd forgiven, because it would be 'in the past'?
Did they expect me to just go back to my abuser despite the fact that I'd done so for five years and he hadn't changed?
Was I doomed if I couldn't forgive?
Regardless of whether or not we actually have an understanding of forgiveness, most people seem to have it drilled in their heads that if you’re feeling angry, upset, or have unresolved feelings about something, you MUST forgive.
Because, you know, forgiveness gets rid of those uncomfortable feelings. Presto! For just 5 easy payments of $19.99... So call now at 1-800-FORGIVE!
See, forgiveness in and of itself can be a form of escapism. We can tell ourselves we forgive, feel that temporary ego boost we get from feeling "good" or even "better than" people who aren't in this 'enlightened' space of forgiveness, before it wears off and we find ourselves living the same patterns over and over again.
And this is why the worst thing possible for many who escape an abusive situation is to tell them to "forgive them" already (hurry up, we're tired of hearing you be sad about something that happened ____ ago) .
Most people who are abused are actually in the habit of chronically forgiving (the sort of egoic forgiveness like I'm talking about throughout this article, but forgiveness nonetheless), and it has not been changing their situation.
The last thing the abused need to hear is to continue their old habits; like the saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
What the abused hears when you tell them to forgive as they express anger or hurt is: Your anger/hurt is not valid. Let the abuse continue. Keep toxic people in your lives. Keep abusive people in your lives, and like it. Learn to love being abused, or you are a bad person and not worthy of my love/respect/etc.
Feeling pissed off yet?
We idolize people who forgive their abusers, but let’s face it, forgiveness is in most cases just people saying the words, “I forgave them”...
But at the same time, we have an expectation that we the abused should forgive a person who may have tried bullying us to suicide, physically or verbally abused us, raped us or our loved ones.
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| Herein lies the paradox... |
This dichotomy is clearly unsustainable.
Idolizing people who forgive while on the other hand demonizing people who don’t, is actually corroding our ability to forgive.
By driving a further rift between where we are currently and where we genuinely want to be, the task of forgiveness begins to feel an impossible one.
We settle. We tell ourselves that we must be wrong for not being able to forgive our abusers, and we say the words before we actually feel forgiveness in our hearts. We tell ourselves that forgiveness is painful when we get stuck in the patterns of abuse again. All the while, we send our subconscious the message that we cannot be trusted.
By driving a further rift between where we are currently and where we genuinely want to be, the task of forgiveness begins to feel an impossible one.
We settle. We tell ourselves that we must be wrong for not being able to forgive our abusers, and we say the words before we actually feel forgiveness in our hearts. We tell ourselves that forgiveness is painful when we get stuck in the patterns of abuse again. All the while, we send our subconscious the message that we cannot be trusted.
But that's of no concern to the human ego...
“Yess, I, mueh, forgave them, mueh mueh, because, it’s the right thing to do!” We say to the outside world, as we climb on our high horse, adjusting our mustaches.
“Yess, I, mueh, forgave them, mueh mueh, because, it’s the right thing to do!” We say to the outside world, as we climb on our high horse, adjusting our mustaches.
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| Because unlike you, I CAN forgive! |
This kind of forgiveness is the ego saying, “I’m the good guy here!” And the unspoken, "they are the bad guy!" Thus leading to black-and-white distorted perception as opposed to seeing reality with full-spectrum-of-colors clarity that comes with seeing how both sides contributed to unhealthy relationship dynamics.
We are ALL guilty of showcasing our best qualities at the expense of showing genuine emotion, because being authentic, if it consists of anything but positive emotion, is usually punished in a socialized society.
We forget that people who understand forgiveness must also understand what it means not to forgive.
Interestingly enough, one of the factors that determines if the abused become abusers themselves is denial of their own abuse.
Knowing this, it concerns me more to hear people talk about their own abusive past with an attitude of faint acceptance, or even deny their past completely, than I am to hear people getting pissed off at how shitty people treated them (to be completely blunt about it).
And herein lies the biggest problem I have with forgiveness: We are not living in a forgiving world. And sometimes, the pressure of forgiveness is much more damaging to us than to just say, “Fuck that,” and focus on tending our wounds.
Because at the end of the day, forgiveness tends to be more of a product used to groom our own fragile egos than the transformative process it was meant to be. Yes, we, the ones stroking that warm, fluffy ball of ego on our laps, are using forgiveness as a way to feel better about ourselves. We subconsciously think that if we are around people who are jerks, we will not need to prove our goodness to other people.
We tolerate being abused so we can be the ones who are pure and saintly; because it builds our ego up in an indirect way.
At the heart of the issue, the abusers were once the abused.
Shaming us the abused for not forgiving, is a great way to make us feel like shit about ourselves. And when we feel like shit about ourselves, we don’t mind treating other people like shit, because on some level we just want others to understand how shitty we feel...
Thus, the cycle of abuse continues; and with it, the whole point of forgiving in the first place is lost.
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| "JOHNNY! YOU NEED TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR FALLING JOHNNY! FORGIVE THE GROUND FOR MAKING YOU FALL JOHNYEY! JOHEQNY FORGIVE ME FOR NOT CATCHING YOU PLZ" Johnny : "I think I should get up first" |
We must be willing to admit that the pressure to forgive is too much.
For now, I’m making the conscious choice to not forgive my abuser, as many more have chosen to do. This doesn’t mean we're ruminating on the past, becoming more and more bitter. This does not mean that we're going to live at the whim of our emotions, plotting a revenge scheme in the meantime.
No... We're not going to be pissed off forever.
We choose not to forgive, because we know ourselves, and we know if we were to say those words, “I forgive them” it would be a damned lie. We would be skipping the other five stages of grieving in order to get to the "good" phase, of acceptance.
For now, we choose not to forgive, but we do choose to focus on healing (or, like in the above photo, at least standing up).
By moving on, we learn to accept the memories we had with our abusers might be as good as it gets with them, but that life itself has better things to offer us. We put our energy into creating a better life for ourselves.
We understand that peace will arrive in due time, when we least expect it.
But even if it never arrives in the way we expect, we will continue to move forward, not grasping the past nor holding firm to a future...
All will become clear in due time. We hope to witness that clarity as we keep our eyes wide open.
We choose not to forgive, because we know ourselves, and we know if we were to say those words, “I forgive them” it would be a damned lie. We would be skipping the other five stages of grieving in order to get to the "good" phase, of acceptance.
For now, we choose not to forgive, but we do choose to focus on healing (or, like in the above photo, at least standing up).
By moving on, we learn to accept the memories we had with our abusers might be as good as it gets with them, but that life itself has better things to offer us. We put our energy into creating a better life for ourselves.
We understand that peace will arrive in due time, when we least expect it.
But even if it never arrives in the way we expect, we will continue to move forward, not grasping the past nor holding firm to a future...
All will become clear in due time. We hope to witness that clarity as we keep our eyes wide open.
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